Pregnancy after loss
Seeing that positive test can often feel different when it comes after a loss. Perhaps you're not quite sure how you feel? There might have been a moment when you saw the positive and thought: “I can't believe it. It's finally happened.” And then almost immediately: “What if something goes wrong?”
Maybe you're happy. Maybe you're terrified. Maybe you're both. Perhaps you're wondering: Am I allowed to be happy again? Have I finished grieving the baby I lost? Does feeling excited mean I'm leaving them behind? What was that twinge? How many weeks am I? What if I lose this baby too? Should I tell anyone? Can I let myself get excited? What if I start planning and then it happens again?
Pregnancy after loss can bring a complicated kind of hope. You may have spent months, or even years, hoping to see another positive pregnancy test. You may have wondered whether you would ever get here. And now that you have, it may not feel anything like the pregnancy you imagined. Instead of simply looking forward, you may find yourself looking backwards too. Every week can bring memories. Every scan can feel significant. Every ache, twinge or change in your body can make you wonder whether something is wrong. You may find yourself counting the weeks, comparing this pregnancy with your previous one or feeling unable to think beyond the next appointment.
You might feel guilty for enjoying this pregnancy. Or guilty because you're not enjoying it in the way you expected. You may be frightened to buy anything, tell people, make plans or allow yourself to imagine meeting your baby. And you may find that other people don't understand.
You can be happy and grieving at the same time. You don't have to stop grieving in order to welcome another baby, you don't have to choose between being excited about this pregnancy and missing the baby who isn't here, you can love this baby and still feel heartbroken about the one you lost. You can feel hopeful one moment and frightened the next. You can want to tell everyone and want to tell no one.
There is no right emotional response to becoming pregnant after loss. Perhaps before your loss, pregnancy felt exciting and hopeful. Now it may feel medical, uncertain or frightening. You may feel disconnected from your body rather than excited about what it is doing. You may struggle to trust your body. You may find it difficult to bond with your pregnancy because protecting yourself from another loss feels safer than allowing yourself to become attached. You might feel as though you're waiting for permission to believe that this pregnancy is real. And you may be carrying all of this while trying to continue with everyday life. Going to work. Looking after other children. Answering questions. Attending appointments. Pretending you're okay when you're not sure that you are.
You don't have to navigate it alone! Counselling during pregnancy after loss can give you somewhere to talk openly about the things that may feel too complicated, frightening or uncomfortable to say elsewhere. There is no expectation that you should be positive or ‘grateful’, and no expectation that you should feel anyway at all about this pregnancy. We can make space for all of it — the hope, fear, grief, guilt, excitement, uncertainty and everything in between.
Together, we can explore what this pregnancy means to you, how your previous loss is affecting your experience now, and what might help you feel more able to move through the pregnancy one step at a time. You don't have to enjoy every moment to be a good parent!
Sometimes pregnancy after loss is about getting through today, rather than trying to feel confident about the next nine months. It might be about finding ways to manage the anxiety between appointments. Making sense of the feelings that come up around scans, dates or milestones. Understanding why certain experiences or sensations trigger fear. Finding ways to communicate what you need from your partner, family, friends or work. Or simply having somewhere you don't have to reassure anyone else.
You can take this pregnancy at your own pace!
Pregnancy after loss counselling in Birmingham and online
I'm Keturah, a BACP-registered counsellor and Advanced Pregnancy & Baby Loss Practitioner.
I have specialist experience supporting people through miscarriage, pregnancy loss, fertility difficulties and pregnancy after loss.
My approach is integrative, and trauma-informed. I won't tell you how you should feel or try to make the fear disappear.
Instead, I'll offer a space where you can be honest about what this pregnancy is bringing up for you and where we can make sense of those experiences together.
Contact me for an initial conversation.
Pregnancy after loss counselling available in Birmingham and online.
